---
name: Your First Crush
slug: your-first-crush
type: process
status: unstable
version: 0.0.666-alpha
released: sometime between ages 7 and 14, you know when
maintainer: nobody. nobody is maintaining this.
dependencies:
  - [proximity](/proximity)
  - [recess](/recess)
  - [a specific song you can never unhear](/a-specific-song-you-can-never-unhear)
  - unresolved parental attachment patterns
  - one (1) shared glance that meant nothing to them
license: MIT (Memory Is Trauma)
tags:
  - emotional
  - haunted
  - deprecated-but-still-running
  - do-not-touch
  - legacy
  - why-is-this-still-in-production
---

Your First Crush

What it actually is

A zero-day vulnerability in your longing module, shipped before you had any security protocols in place.

How it works

Subject enters proximity. Could be the bus. Could be fourth grade math. Could be absolutely nowhere meaningful and that is the problem.
Brain misroutes a neutral sensory input (their handwriting, a specific laugh, the way they opened a locker) directly into core architecture.
No confirmation dialog. No rollback option.
You are now running a background process you did not install and cannot find in Task Manager.

"I just sat next to them at lunch. That's all I did." — every user, retrospectively, always

The process generates 400 to 6000 micro-fantasies per day (see: daydreaming). Each one is technically free. Each one is not free.

Features

Involuntary uptime. Runs continuously. Cannot be suspended.
Full sensory integration. Smell of their jacket becomes a permanent bookmark. Good luck with that.
Compression algorithm. Converts an entire human being into a symbol. Wildly lossy. Mistaken for love.
Rehearsal mode. Simulates conversations that will never occur with statistically perfect accuracy of how badly they would go.
Persistence layer. Stores everything. A specific gymnasium. A water fountain. 1997. You know what you did.

Known bugs

ERR_HEART_MISMATCH          :: feelings not returned. no stack trace available.
ERR_SAID_WRONG_THING        :: you said "you too" when they said "happy birthday"
ERR_FRIEND_INTERVENED       :: catastrophic. full state wipe recommended.
ERR_THEY_MOVED_AWAY         :: process orphaned. cannot be terminated cleanly.
ERR_YOU_NEVER_TOLD_THEM     :: thread still open. will never close. this is by design actually.
WARN_IDEALISATION_OVERFLOW  :: subject is a real person, not a—

Edge cases

If the crush was on a fictional character: normal. Arguably safer. Still haunted.
If they liked you back and you panicked and did nothing: you are why we have the error above.
If you are currently explaining this to a therapist: the spec is working as intended.
If you married them: incredibly rare branch. We cannot reproduce this in testing.

Changelog

v0.0.666-alpha   — initial deploy. no consent required. no consent asked.
v0.1.0           — they looked at you. system destabilized.
v0.1.1           — they looked at someone else. catastrophic regression.
v0.2.0           — high school. different crush. same bug. different jacket smell.
v1.0.0           — (this version does not ship cleanly for most users)

FAQ

Is it supposed to hurt this much? Yes. That is the output. That is the whole output.

Can I uninstall it? You can deprecate it. It will still run. It will run at 3am when nostalgia triggers a lookup. It will run when a song plays in a grocery store and you stop walking entirely and someone has to go around you.

What was it for? Calibration. You were learning what you could feel. You felt it. Okay. You felt it.

drafting spec…