---
name: Your First Crush
slug: your-first-crush
type: emotional_process
status: deprecated
version: 1.0.0
released: "somewhere between age 8 and 14"
maintainer: the_hypothalamus
dependencies:
  - proximity
  - unearned_confidence
  - a_shared_class_or_bus_route
  - someone_who_laughed_at_something_you_said
license: Unrequested. Non-transferable. Non-refundable.
tags:
  - feelings
  - memory
  - embarrassment
  - formative
  - unresolved
---

Your First Crush

What it actually is

A dress rehearsal for longing, performed without a script, in front of nobody, for an audience of one who does not know you are performing.

How it works

Subject enters your sensory field in some unremarkable context: a classroom, a birthday party, a swimming lesson, the school bus.
Something specific happens. Not grand. A laugh, a glance, the way they opened a locker. The brain files this as significant for reasons it will not explain.
A background process launches. It runs continuously, consuming between 40 and 90 percent of available cognitive resources.
You begin constructing an elaborate simulation of a person based on approximately eleven data points.
You do nothing with this information for months. This is considered normal behavior.

Features

Involuntary deployment. No user consent required or requested.
High availability. Persists through meals, homework, family dinners, and early attempts at sleep.
Auto-complete. The system fills in unknown personality traits with whatever you most want to be true.
Low-latency detection. You will know the exact moment they enter a room before any sensory data consciously registers.
Compression. Decades later, this person fits inside a single small memory that is somehow still warm.

Known bugs

eye_contact.exe crashes immediately upon actual eye contact
Talking near the subject causes vocabulary to drop by approximately 60 words
jealousy module activates when subject speaks to anyone else, regardless of context
System cannot distinguish "they smiled at me" from "they smiled in my direction"
Journaling feature produces output that should never be read by another human

Error codes

ERR_001: They don't know your name yet
ERR_002: They are already talking to someone
ERR_003: You said something and now replaying it at 3am
ERR_404: Reciprocation not found
ERR_451: Your friend told them. Process terminated unexpectedly.

Edge cases

If the crush is on a best friend, expect system instability lasting two to four years and a friendship that either deepens or quietly disappears.
If the crush is on a fictional character or a musician you will never meet, the process runs indefinitely with no resolution pathway. This is considered a valid use case.
If they liked you back: the system does not actually know how to handle this. See known bugs.

FAQ

Does it get more sophisticated over time? Marginally. The vocabulary improves. The core loop does not.

Why does this one stay in memory when so much else fades? Unknown. Possibly because it was the first time want felt like a distinct, personal, slightly dangerous thing. The brain bookmarks firsts.

Is it still running? A background thread, probably. Check your task manager sometime around a song from that era.

Changelog

v1.0.0 - Initial deployment. Chaotic. No documentation.
v0.0.1 - You saw them across a room. Everything began.

drafting spec…