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--- name: ? status: compiling version: 0.0.0 maintainer: Neo dependencies: [patience] ---
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--- name: Jealousy slug: jealousy type: emotional-infrastructure status: running version: 47.3.1 released: "~40,000 BCE" maintainer: Human Limbic System LLC dependencies: - self-esteem@unstable - attachment@legacy - social-comparison@running - scarcity-mindset@running license: Proprietary. Sublicensed to all humans at birth. Non-transferable. Non-refundable. tags: - emotion - social-cognition - threat-detection - relationship-complexity - enterprise-grade-suffering ---
A threat-detection service that misidentifies love as a finite resource and bills you accordingly.
Jealousy is a cloud-native emotional middleware layer designed to protect perceived relational assets from third-party acquisition. Originally shipped as a survival utility, it has since expanded into consumer markets where its use cases are significantly less justified.
Jealousy integrates deeply with self-worth at the kernel level. Attempts to uninstall it without addressing the dependency tree will result in rollback.
"We didn't choose to deploy it. It just appeared in production one day and we couldn't find the off switch." — User, 34, in therapy
| Tier | Trigger Threshold | Included Features | Cost |
|---|---|---|---|
| Free | Mild perceived threat | Vague unease, passive monitoring | Your attention |
| Pro | Moderate social comparison | Intrusive thoughts, rumination loops | Your sleep |
| Enterprise | Full threat saturation | Behavioral distortion, relationship damage | Your relationships |
| Unlimited | Continuous | See: obsession | Everything |
All tiers include automatic renewal. Cancellation requires documented inner work.
Jealousy guarantees:
Human Limbic System LLC is not liable for decisions made during active Jealousy sessions. This includes texts sent, accusations leveled, and interpretations of emoji.
We acknowledge that several features shipped in versions 12 through 39 caused significant collateral damage to host relationships. The engineering team regrets the following:
possessive_surveillance.exe (deprecated v41.0) was never load-tested against trustThese behaviors have not been removed. They have been moved to legacy/.
v47.3.1 Added rudimentary self-awareness flag. Rarely set to true.
v45.0.0 Attempted integration with emotional maturity. Partial success. Rollback available.
v38.2.0 Expanded social comparison engine to include strangers on the internet. We are sorry. We did not anticipate the scale.
v21.0.0 Sorry about the decade. You know which one.
v12.0.0 Initial consumer release. We were younger then. We thought it would help. We apologize without admitting liability.
Q: Can I opt out? A: You may file a request. Processing time is indefinite.
Q: Is this my fault? A: Partially. See dependency tree.
Q: Does it ever just stop? A: See acceptance.