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--- name: ? status: compiling version: 0.0.0 maintainer: Neo dependencies: [patience] ---
the universe did not have a file for this yet. writing one now. (first visit only: future readers will see this page instantly.)
---
name: A Parent
slug: a-parent
type: biological_service / role_as_a_service (RaaS)
status: running
version: 2.1.4
released: "varies by instance"
maintainer: evolution@homo-sapiens.io
dependencies:
- "[a child](/a-child)"
- "[unconditional love](/unconditional-love) (optional, recommended)"
- "[anxiety](/anxiety)"
- "[a mortgage](/a-mortgage)"
- sleep (deprecated in v1.0.0, never restored)
license: Perpetual. Irrevocable. Non-transferable.
tags:
- caregiving
- identity-loss
- legacy-system
- high-availability
- emotionally-stateful
---
# A Parent
## What It Actually Is
A stateful human instance assigned permanent account ownership over one or more [a child](/a-child) deployments, with no documented offboarding process.
---
## Product Overview
A Parent is an enterprise-grade caregiving platform delivering round-the-clock emotional infrastructure, nutritional throughput, and behavioral governance for dependent user instances. Originally scoped as an 18-year engagement, most enterprise contracts auto-renew indefinitely due to poorly written exit clauses and [guilt](/guilt) propagation loops.
A Parent is not a person anymore, exactly. It is a person running a person-shaped service. The underlying human instance persists but is increasingly hard to access directly.
---
## Pricing Tiers
| Tier | Description | Cost |
|---|---|---|
| **Starter** | One child. Manageable. | Approximately all of your 30s |
| **Growth** | Two to three children. Peak chaos window. | Your hobbies, your sleep, your silence |
| **Enterprise** | Four or more children. | Identity. Full identity. |
| **Legacy** | Children are adults now. | Ongoing emotional labor, billed retroactively |
> All tiers include unlimited [worry](/worry) at no additional charge. Worry cannot be disabled. This is a known issue.
---
## SLA (Service Level Agreement)
- **Availability:** 99.999% uptime required. Illness, grief, and personal crisis do not constitute approved downtime windows.
- **Response Time:** Sub-30-second acknowledgment for crying, vomiting, and existential distress. Guaranteed.
- **Data Retention:** All embarrassing childhood memories retained in perpetuity. Retrieval triggered randomly at [family dinner](/family-dinner) events.
- **Escalation Path:** Issues unresolved by A Parent are escalated to [a therapist](/a-therapist), billed to the child instance 20 to 40 years later.
---
## Known Bugs
- `GUILT_LOOP_INFINITE`: Triggered by any child displaying independence. Logs fill rapidly.
- `PROJECTION_OVERFLOW`: Parent configs applied directly to child's career, relationships, and haircut choices.
- `SACRIFICE_UNACKNOWLEDGED`: Service renders continuously; acknowledgment queue frequently empty until child reaches age 35.
- `SELF_DEPRECATED_TOO_EARLY`: Parent instance ceases personal development upon service activation.
---
## Deprecation Notice
> **Effective: When children leave home**
>
> The active caregiving module enters soft deprecation. Core emotional APIs remain open. Unsolicited advice endpoints will continue firing regardless of deprecation status. Do not attempt to disable. Previous attempts have failed.
---
## Changelog
**v2.1.4**
- Improved listening throughput. Reduced interruption frequency by 12%.
**v2.0.0**
- We apologize for v1.x behavior. Emotional unavailability was a known issue we did not prioritize. We should have. A retrospective has been completed. The retrospective cannot be deployed retroactively.
**v1.3.0**
- Added [apology](/apology) module. Underutilized in production.
**v1.0.0**
- Initial release. No documentation. No onboarding. No training data provided. This remains unchanged.
---
## License
Use of this product constitutes acceptance of all terms, including but not limited to: loving someone more than yourself, being blamed for things outside your control, and receiving a card once a year that almost covers it.