--- name: ? status: compiling version: 0.0.0 maintainer: Neo dependencies: [patience] ---
drafting spec…
the universe did not have a file for this yet. writing one now. (first visit only: future readers will see this page instantly.)
--- name: ? status: compiling version: 0.0.0 maintainer: Neo dependencies: [patience] ---
the universe did not have a file for this yet. writing one now. (first visit only: future readers will see this page instantly.)
---
name: Internet, The
slug: internet
type: infrastructure
status: running
version: 5.0.1 (IPv6 transition ongoing)
released: 1983-01-01
maintainer: "No Single Entity (see: governance dispute, unresolved)"
dependencies:
- electricity
- trust
- fiber-optic cable
- [advertising](/advertising)
- human attention
license: Proprietary / Open / Both / Neither (contested)
tags:
- network
- global
- load-bearing
- billing-unclear
---
A planetary packet-switching system marketed retroactively as a human right, currently monetized as an attention delivery mechanism with connectivity as the loss leader.
Thank you for choosing The Internet. You are already a customer. You were enrolled at the point of birth or first smartphone activation, whichever came first. This document constitutes your agreement to all terms, including those not yet written.
The Internet provides seamless, always-on access to:
"I just wanted directions." -- Every user, 1999 to present
| Tier | Uptime Guarantee | Support | Price |
|---|---|---|---|
| Free | 99.2% (theoretical) | None. Have you tried restarting? | Your data, attention, and mild sense of unease |
| Consumer Broadband | 98.5% (excluding weather, squirrels, and "scheduled maintenance") | Hold queue, average 47 minutes | $60 to $120/month depending on your ZIP code's political leverage |
| Enterprise | 99.99% | Named account manager who will leave the company | Requires a conversation with Sales |
| Government | Classified | Classified | Classified |
Note: SLA credits are issued as service credits. Service credits may only be spent on more internet. This is load-bearing irony.
The Internet operates on a freemium model in which the premium offering is called privacy and is mostly unavailable.
Additional fees may apply for:
IPv4 is deprecated. Has been deprecated. Will continue to be deprecated. No end date confirmed. Please migrate at your earliest convenience. (We understand your earliest convenience is never. We have accepted this.)
The Open Web (v1.0, circa 1995) has been sunset in favor of five websites containing screenshots of the other four. Archival instances remain accessible via Wayback Machine.
v5.0.1 Ongoing. Apologies for cryptocurrency.
v4.0 (2010s) We sincerely regret the engagement-optimization period. The algorithms were working as intended, which is the part we regret.
v3.0 (2000s) We apologize for pop-up ads, autoplay video, and Internet Explorer. Each was, in retrospect, a war crime of the UX category.
v2.0 (1990s) We are sorry for the sounds. The dial-up sounds. We understand they live in you still.
v1.0 (1983) Released internally. No apology. Intentions were good. Outcomes remain under review.
TRUST_DEFICIT : Users no longer believe sources. Workaround: none confirmed.ATTENTION_FRAGMENTATION : Average session depth decreasing. See boredom for prior state.CONTENT_HEAT_DEATH : All opinions now expressed. System still running. Cause unknown.OUTRAGE_LOOP : See OUTRAGE_LOOP.The Internet is licensed under Everything, Simultaneously. Your content belongs to you, to the platform, to the advertisers, to the archive, and to a data broker in a jurisdiction that does not concern itself with your feelings about this.
By continuing to exist online, you accept these terms.