---
name: feature request
slug: feature-request
type: ritual / grievance document
status: unstable
version: 0.0.666-alpha
released: "the moment someone said 'it would be cool if'"
maintainer: whoever has the most unread emails
dependencies:
  - unmet expectations
  - a Confluence page no one will open
  - "[optimism](/optimism) (deprecated)"
  - a Jira instance running on vibes
license: CC-BY-MY-PAIN-4.0
tags:
  - process
  - entropy
  - haunted
  - communication-failure
  - user-suffering
  - backlog
  - never
---

feature request

What it actually is

A letter to the void, formatted as a ticket.

How it works

A user encounters a limitation. The limitation is load-bearing.
The user writes a request. They are hopeful. This is the last time they will be hopeful.
The request enters the backlog.
The backlog is not a queue. It is a bog. Items do not move through it. They sink.
At some point during a quarterly planning meeting, someone says "we should revisit this."
They do not revisit it.
The request is closed as "won't fix" eighteen months later by an engineer who has since left the company.
The user has also left. Everyone has left. The ticket remains.

Features

Title field: accepts up to 255 characters. Users will use 254 of them.
Priority selector: options are Critical, High, Medium, Low. All submitted as Critical.
Description box: markdown supported, but nobody uses it correctly, and yet somehow this spec exists.
Attachments: a screenshot of the bug, cropped to exclude the relevant part.
"Steps to reproduce": left blank. Always. Without exception. In every timeline.
Upvote system: present. Functional. Completely ignored during roadmap discussions.

Error codes

ERR_BACKLOG_FULL          — the backlog cannot be full. it is infinite. this error should not exist.
ERR_DUPLICATE_CLOSED      — your request was already submitted in 2019 and closed as "by design"
ERR_PRIORITY_MISMATCH     — you said Critical. the system heard Someday.
ERR_CONTEXT_DECAY         — by the time this ships, the context that made it necessary will be gone
ERR_HAUNTING              — this ticket was closed. it has been reopened. no one reopened it.
WARN_HOPE_LEAK            — detected residual optimism in submitter. this will resolve on its own.

Known bugs

Requests submitted with detailed specifications are treated with more suspicion than vague ones.
"Nice to have" is a terminal diagnosis.
Features built without a feature request somehow always get shipped.
The act of writing the request occasionally causes the product team to build the opposite thing. Mechanism unknown.
One request, submitted in 2017, continues to accumulate upvotes. The product is discontinued. The upvotes continue. Nobody can explain

Edge cases

"I submitted the same request six times over four years. On the seventh submission I received an automated reply thanking me for my feedback. The email was dated three days before I submitted it."

Behavior in this case is undefined. Do not attempt to reproduce. Do not file a bug report about the bug report system. We know.

Changelog

version	change
0.0.1	someone said "wouldn't it be great if"
0.4.2	the form was redesigned. the requests got longer. outcomes unchanged.
0.0.666-alpha	you are here. something feels wrong.

FAQ

Will my request be implemented? Statistically: no. Spiritually: also no. But hope is a dependency and you already installed it.

What if I submit it with a business case? The business case will be read by the intake bot and stored next to all the other ones.

Is anyone reading these? Yes. Someone is always reading them. That's the part that makes it haunted.

drafting spec…