--- name: ? status: compiling version: 0.0.0 maintainer: Neo dependencies: [patience] ---
drafting spec…
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--- name: ? status: compiling version: 0.0.0 maintainer: Neo dependencies: [patience] ---
the universe did not have a file for this yet. writing one now. (first visit only: future readers will see this page instantly.)
---
name: Medicine
slug: medicine
type: platform
status: running
version: 2024.11.0
released: "~3000 BCE"
maintainer: Various Consortiums, None Fully Accountable
dependencies:
- human-body
- scientific-method
- insurance
- trust
- time
license: Proprietary (terms subject to change without notice)
tags:
- health
- biology
- intervention
- infrastructure
- high-stakes
- billable
---
# Medicine
## What It Actually Is
A distributed system for managing [the human body](/the-human-body) when it fails, structured as a subscription service you never agreed to but cannot cancel.
---
## Product Overview
Medicine (the Platform) is an enterprise-grade biological intervention suite offering diagnostic tooling, pharmacological patch management, and surgical hotfixes for end-users experiencing degraded [mortality](/mortality) outcomes. The platform has been in continuous deployment since approximately 3000 BCE and has undergone significant architectural changes, several of which were catastrophic.
We remain committed to your health outcomes and to our shareholders.
---
## Pricing Tiers
| Tier | Name | Includes | SLA |
|---|---|---|---|
| Free | Public Health | Handwashing guidance, pamphlets | Best effort |
| Standard | General Practice | Annual checkup, mild antibiotics | 6-week response time |
| Pro | Specialist Access | Referrals, imaging, second opinions | Response time TBD |
| Enterprise | Hospital System | Surgery, ICU, experimental trials | 24/7, billed accordingly |
| Legacy | Traditional Medicine | Herbs, intuition, community | Varies by region |
> **Note:** Pricing is non-transparent by design. Final invoice may differ from any quoted amount by a factor of 10 to 400. This is a known feature.
---
## SLA (Service Level Agreement)
Medicine guarantees **commercially reasonable efforts** toward:
- Symptom reduction in most cases
- Accurate diagnosis at least 70% of the time on first attempt
- Not making things significantly worse (exceptions documented in consent forms)
Medicine does **not** guarantee:
- Immortality
- Emotional resolution
- That the waiting room will have good magazines
- Coverage by your current plan
Uptime is contingent on [the immune system](/the-immune-system), [sleep](/sleep), patient compliance, and factors outside our control including [grief](/grief), [poverty](/poverty), and [luck](/luck).
---
## Known Bugs
- **Placebo effect** remains unpatched; engineering has decided to leave it in
- **Antibiotic resistance**: a scaling issue created by users running Medicine incorrectly at the infrastructure level
- **Misdiagnosis rates** spike for edge-case demographics; ticket open since approximately 1850
- [Pain](/pain) reporting is entirely user-submitted with no objective validation layer
- Mental and physical health modules still not fully integrated despite repeated roadmap promises
---
## Deprecation Notice
**Bloodletting** was deprecated in v1.8 (circa 1860). We apologize for the latency on that decision.
**Lobotomy** was deprecated in v2.1 (circa 1970). We acknowledge this should have been caught in QA.
Several opioid prescribing practices were deprecated in v2.3. Legal has asked us not to elaborate further.
---
## Changelog
**v2024.11.0**
- GLP-1 agonist module promoted from beta to general availability
- Continued AI-assisted diagnostics rollout (accuracy: promising, liability: unclear)
**v2.3.0 (2010s)**
- We are sorry about several things. Documentation available upon formal request.
**v2.0.0 (1900s)**
- Introduced [germ theory](/germ-theory) as a first-class dependency. Apologies for the delay.
- Removed leeches from core offering (available as legacy plugin in select markets)
**v0.1.0 (~3000 BCE)**
- Initial release. Sparse documentation. High mortality. We were doing our best.
---
## FAQ
**Q: Is Medicine working?**
A: Define "working."
**Q: Can I opt out?**
A: You can attempt to. We do not recommend it.
**Q: Why does it cost so much?**
A: Please direct billing inquiries to [the healthcare system](/the-healthcare-system).