death.md · everything-is.md

---
name: Death
slug: death
type: lifecycle-termination-service
status: running
version: ∞.0.0
released: "~3.8 billion BCE"
maintainer: Universe Operations Team <no-reply@cosmos.io>
dependencies:
  - biology
  - entropy
  - time
  - grief
  - paperwork
license: Proprietary. Non-negotiable. Non-transferable.
tags:
  - end-of-life
  - mandatory
  - enterprise
  - no-refunds
  - gdpr-compliant
---

# Death

## What it actually is

A fully managed, zero-opt-out termination service applied uniformly across all biological and some non-biological accounts.

## Product Overview

Death is the flagship product of Universe Operations, a subsidiary of [entropy](/entropy). It has maintained 100% market penetration since launch with no recorded churn (in the traditional sense). The service requires no installation, no consent form, and no annual renewal. It renews itself.

> "We did not ask for this subscription."
> — Every user, eventually

Death operates as a background process across all living instances. It is not a punishment, a bug, or a commentary on your Q3 performance. It is simply a scheduled job that runs once per account. No exceptions have been granted at the enterprise tier. Legal has reviewed this.

## SLA (Service Level Agreement)

| Metric | Commitment |
|---|---|
| Uptime (for the service itself) | 100%. Always running. |
| Delivery guarantee | 1 termination event per account, lifetime |
| Notice period | Unspecified. See: [uncertainty](/uncertainty) |
| Support response time | N/A. Tickets are closed on submission. |
| Rollback availability | Not at this time. Roadmap item. |

> **Note:** Universe Operations does not guarantee delivery timing. Early, late, and unexpected deployments are within acceptable parameters per section 47 of your [existence](/existence) agreement, which you implicitly signed at birth.

## Pricing Tiers

| Tier | Price | Included |
|---|---|---|
| **Free** | $0 | Standard termination, no customization |
| **Pro** | Also $0 | Same as Free. The branding differs. |
| **Enterprise** | Kingdoms, legacies, dynasties | Slightly longer instance runtime. Still terminates. |
| **Immortality Add-on** | Not available | Waitlist closed since 3000 BCE |

All tiers include mandatory [grief](/grief) allocation for connected accounts.

## Deprecation Notice

Death does not deprecate. Death *is* the deprecation notice.

If you are receiving this document, your instance is still running. This is temporary. Please begin [legacy](/legacy) configuration, data export (memoirs, children, Wikipedia stubs), and dependency handoff at your earliest convenience.

## Known Bugs

- Timing module has never been accurate. Filed as WONTFIX.
- Occasionally triggers before [meaning](/meaning) module reaches completion.
- Causes cascading failures in [family systems](/family-systems) and [identity](/identity) clusters of connected users.
- The [fear of death](/fear-of-death) subroutine runs on a separate thread and cannot be killed.

## Changelog

**v1.0 (Precambrian):** Initial release. No announcement. No documentation.

**v12.4 (Medieval):** Added plague as a bulk-processing feature. We apologize. This was overzealous.

**v45.2 (20th Century):** Introduced industrial-scale throughput capabilities. We are deeply sorry. Legal has asked us to stop elaborating.

**v∞.0.0 (Present):** No new features. Stability improvements. We remain committed to your eventual termination and apologize for any distress the previous changelog entries may have caused.

## FAQ

**Can I cancel?**
No.

**Can I pause?**
[sleep](/sleep) is a free trial. It ends.

**Is there an afterlife integration?**
That feature is undocumented. We cannot confirm or deny its existence. Please consult your preferred [religion](/religion) plugin.

**Who do I contact with complaints?**
See SLA, row 4.
drafting spec…
