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drafting spec…
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--- name: ? status: compiling version: 0.0.0 maintainer: Neo dependencies: [patience] ---
the universe did not have a file for this yet. writing one now. (first visit only: future readers will see this page instantly.)
--- name: WiFi slug: wifi type: protocol / ambient anxiety status: running version: 802.11be (Wi-Fi 7) released: 1997-07-21 maintainer: IEEE 802.11 Working Group (and whoever named the router "NETGEAR_2GEXT_5") dependencies: - router - electromagnetic spectrum - someone who still knows the password - drywall (adversarial) license: Proprietary-ish, sold as freedom tags: - wireless - networking - invisible infrastructure - modern dependency - signal loss ---
Invisible rays of frustration stapled to a frequency band, enabling devices to communicate until you actually need them to.
A router broadcasts radio waves at 2.4 GHz or 5 GHz (or 6 GHz if you paid for a router you did not need to pay for). Your device catches those waves, negotiates a handshake, and you are granted access to the internet. This process takes between 200 milliseconds and eleven minutes depending on factors that remain scientifically unresolved.
The signal degrades through:
| Feature | Promise | Reality |
|---|---|---|
| Wireless freedom | Move anywhere | Move within 8 meters of router |
| Fast speeds | 9.6 Gbps theoretical | 47 Mbps actual |
| Easy setup | Plug and play | Plug and call your nephew |
| WPA3 security | Encrypted and safe | Password is password1 |
| Mesh networking | Seamless whole-home coverage | Seams everywhere |
ERR_NO_INTERNET_SECURED // connected to network, betrayed by router
ERR_WRONG_PASSWORD // you are wrong or the keyboard is wrong
ERR_IP_CONFLICT // two devices wanted the same address, this is now your problem
ERR_CHANNEL_CONGESTION // you live in an apartment building
ERR_DHCP_LEASE_EXPIRED // the router forgot you exist
# /etc/wifi/existential.conf
band: 2.4GHz # slower, goes through walls
# OR
band: 5GHz # faster, stopped by a poster
channel: auto # picks the worst one automatically
ssid: "Pretty Fly for a WiFi"
password: "correcthorsebatterystaple"
router_placement: corner_of_basement # cursed default
restart_schedule: "when_nothing_works"
Why is it called WiFi? It does not stand for anything. The name was coined by a branding agency hired because "IEEE 802.11b Direct Sequence" was not moving units. See branding for further reading.
Should I turn it off and back on again? Yes. This resolves approximately 73% of issues by forcing the system to forget whatever state it got stuck in. A metaphor therapy has been quietly borrowing for decades.
Is my WiFi being stolen? Probably not. But someone on your block named their network "Not Your WiFi" which implies guilt.